OH PIONEERS!

“I would rather look good than feel good.” generally attributed to Fernando Llamas

“For the record, a rockstar is someone who has achieved stardom through their music. A guru has religious wisdom. A ninja doesn’t tell anyone.” Tara Reid

This was the week when I was stopped in traffic and noticed the woman in the car in front of me. While waiting at the light she took out a brush and, as the kids like to say, started fixin’ her hair like a boss. Then in one graceful, unbroken moment she reached over to the passenger seat and started perking up her dog’s coiffe. As I get older I find it’s the poetry contained in certain moments that make them memorable. Not that it was enough to distract me from my ennui as I began the week falsely accused of being an Internet pioneer.

As Prof. McLuhan would say, “Oh yes!

For those of you just tuning in this is the return of The Poorly Thought Out Sunday Think Piece. (™ pend.)

I read the accusatory email in question about a half dozen times and it didn’t seem to be the least bit humorous. Each reading made the prose only that much more dry and stolid. Beyond that it was every bit as ironic as a Presbyterian clutching a club soda and lime. Not that I know where the author came up with this information and I’m certain that you, as some one who has read all of some of the 80-plus blogs I’ve maintained in the past 12 years knows, there have been exaggerations, conflation, and outright lies set down in print- the highlights of which include:

Claiming to be Adnan Khashoggi’s life coach.

Passing myself off as the leading distributor of feng shui for the Willamette Valley.

Offering my services as a whuffie fluffer/digital phlebologist.

The last one is a regionalism. It’s something along the lines or bag vs. sack or whether you come home with a Tyson or a Perdue chicken. In some cases which one you use is based on whether or not you went to parochial school.

Where were we?

When it comes to blogging and social media certainly the ninja definition posted above applies to the some 120-plus blogs I’ve maintained since 1978. During all that time I’ve worked as far under the radar as possible so that you could feel better about yourself. That by not banging the drum loudly and dabbling endlessly in useless self promotion I have been able to bolster your self esteem by making you feel special – feel as if you were part of a secret society or possessed of esoteric knowledge which in turn gave you the ability to take one last look across the cube farm on a Friday afternoon and say to yourself, “Sleep tight you bastards!”

Not that I know how to convey this to the author of the email as he insists we meet for coffee.

And how is it that none of the people who write to me seem to know how to use the word ‘martini’ in a sentence?

Which is another tropic for another time.

I suppose I could meet with him and give him some 21st Century variation on Adlai’s Stevenson’s speech about how America was built using little more than a plow, a Bible, and an ax. I could even make up something about how we called her Ma back then and go on and on about how she stuffed a mule full of sorghum so that we could venture out from the Geocities with nothing more than a pound of salt and a side of bacon strapped to wee Dr. Random’s back.

But then he’d probably go ruin it by Googling everything I said.

Oh well.

BTW – you can follow Tara Reid on Twitter here.

Me?

By now you should know well enough to leave some things alone.

3 Comments

  1. Thank you for this. I never noticed the manicure on the graceful hands of Gabby Hayes before.

    I suppose that’s a metaphor for the trail you blazed across the internet – readers making assumptions based on surface appearance but an elegant hand behind it all?

  2. The Day old breadstore is apparently blocked by at&t no doubt for subversive content. Thankfully my ultrasmart phone has no such restrictions.
    Were there blogs in 78? Wasn’t that more of a ‘zine? Gee I even wrote an article for one once didn’t I?

  3. Thurston Howell III

    And now your smart phone feels special. QED

    That would have been your article on fly fishing in hot tubs for the old Quarterly Corporate Report. While it was a ‘zine it existed before the word ‘zine came into standard use so I’m not sure what you’d call it.

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